Co-Parenting in Illinois

What Exactly Is Co-Parenting?

Co-parenting is when separated or divorcing parents commit to always putting their child's needs first. This means putting those needs before the issues they have with each other. It is a key pillar to a positive child custody and placement arrangement.

When parties co-parent, both parents have important roles in the child's life. This can be difficult for parents who experience frequent disagreements. But, in the end, it's worth it.

What Are the Benefits of Co-Parenting?

While co-parenting can be difficult to navigate, benefits include security, structure, a more balanced life, and stress reduction for children and parents. Below are some examples.

Benefits for Children:

• Exposure to positive conflict resolution develops their problem-solving skills.
• Respectful communication between parents promotes high self-esteem and teaches good social skills.
• Each parent having an active role in their life gives them security in their relationships.

Benefits for Co-Parents:

• Parents not having to fight to actively participate in their child's life means there is less conflict.
• Confidence in the other parent gives each parent well-deserved breaks.
• Less stress and tension between parents lets them focus on the well-being of their child.
• Good communication makes a lot of things easier like coordinating important meetings and events in the child's life.

Co-Parenting Schedule

Creating a placement schedule is an essential part of co-parenting. This is usually done in the parenting plan where you outline who will have the children at any given point. Parenting plans also create agreed-upon plans for health care, education, religion, and more. Since they are so helpful, the court requires a parenting plan in any divorce or separation that involves kids.^[1]

A good co-parenting schedule is made in the best interest of the child. Generally, Illinois state courts try to ensure that the child has an equal amount of time with each parent, meaning a 50/50 schedule. However, not every case is 50/50 because sometimes it is in the child’s best interest to spend more time with one parent.

If you want help in your child custody case, call Sterling Lawyers, LLC to work with one of our attorneys. We’ll make sure to set you up for a successful co-parenting relationship.

Tips for Co-Parenting

Below is a list of strategies to help you create and maintain a healthy relationship for your child and co-parent.

1. Put Your Kids First

It's important to remember that it is not just you and your ex who experienced the stress of a divorce or separation. Putting your child before your feelings towards your ex will help them find stability. It creates security in their relationship with both you and the other parent.

2. Have Clear Co-Parenting Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries will help keep a respectful co-parenting relationship while keeping separate. Things like conversational boundaries that establish what can be discussed create clear expectations. This way both parties understand they are not entitled to know every aspect of each other’s lives.

3. Remain Flexible

While it's important for your child to have stability and consistency in the co-parenting schedule, you also need to be flexible. Sometimes schedules change, and things come up. Giving each other the benefit of the doubt allows your child to learn problem solving. And it encourages positive communication between co-parents.

4. Talk to One Another About Changes

Keep your co-parent in the loop regarding changes that could affect their time with the child. Whether that means a change in their extracurricular activity schedule, an upcoming event, or adjustments in your own schedule, tell the other parent when it will affect them.

5. Be Respectful and “Professional”

You don’t have to be friends with your ex to be a good co-parent. By setting the right boundaries, you can treat the co-parenting dynamic as if it is a business interaction. You don’t have to be friends with all your coworkers, but you do need to be able to work with them.

6. Remember That “Fair” Doesn't Always Mean “Equal”

A parent's time with their child is their own concern, but it can be frustrating when one parent is scheduling events or activities during your time. It is easy to assume that this is because of some ulterior motive from the other parent. But the reality could just be that they are listening to the desires of the child and what works best for them.

7. Be Accessible to Your Co-Parent

Make it a goal to have regular communication with your co-parent. Be available to talk about issues with your child, changes to the schedule, or adjustments to drop off/pick up times. While it's natural to want to avoid talking with your ex, it’s not productive to avoid them entirely. This is similar to hearing from your child's teacher where you want to hear from them regularly, not just when there's a problem

8. Find a Support Network for Difficult Times

It is natural that there will be times where tensions are running high. At times like this, it's important to have someone that you can talk these issues out with, whether that is a friend, family member, or online support group. This person should be someone who can see both sides clearly and is capable of providing sound feedback.

9. Don't Ignore Your Co-Parent's Birthday or Special Holidays

Even if the other parent's birthday is on your day, maybe you can switch days or let them have the child for dinner. Your child is switching from two different households, so it's important that they still have a sense of family and are able to be a part of celebrations.

10. Never Badmouth Your Ex, No Matter How Angry You Are

Speaking disrespectfully about your ex in front of your child negatively impacts your child's sense of security. It makes them question their relationship and doubt the other parent. This action is also looked at negatively by the courts because it can be considered custodial interference.

11. Don't Engage in Manipulation

Using your child as a way to manipulate your ex harms your child, now and in their future. Remember, you are raising a child with their own feelings and thoughts, not a bargaining chip.

What Are the Best Co-Parenting Apps in Illinois?

Even the healthiest co-parents have difficulty communicating and scheduling sometimes. Luckily, there are several apps that make the logistical side of co-parenting easier.

Our Family Wizard^[2] – This program allows you to send messages, schedule events, and send invoices for expenses. There is also the option for a “tone monitor” in order to better communicate. This app is used by many co-parents.
Talking Parents^[3] – This app gives parents a secure way to communicate that keeps track of conversations. It can even record phone calls and it gives you transcripts of them. There is also a calendar to keep both parties up to date.
Video Chatting (apps such as Google Meet^[4] and Facetime) – Video chatting is a great way for co-parents to connect with their child face to face and grow their relationship, even when they are away. This also helps kids when they miss the other parent.

Co-Parenting Versus Parallel Parenting

Co-parenting and parallel parenting are two different types of parenting. Which to pick depends on how collaboratively the parents can work together after their separation.

Co-parenting is used by parents who can problem-solve and work together for the best interest of the child. The interaction between the parents is cordial and allows the child to move from one house to the other easily. Ideally, this type of parenting sees minimal amounts of tension.

Parallel parenting is used by parents who cannot interact without there being high amounts of conflict. Most of the communication is written, and everything is kept completely separate. Parallel parenting should only be viewed as a last resort since this dynamic can be hard for kids. However, it may be the best option, especially in abusive or high conflict relationships.

Since there is no black-and-white when it comes to parenting, there could be some families that are a mix of co and parallel parenting. This could mean the parents see each other for drop-offs, but they can't sit together at a family function. In either situation, this should be decided based on what is in the best interest of the child and the parents.

Considerations